Made the supreme mistake of watching a episode of Dr. Phil on the topic of working moms versus stay-at-home moms. The debate centered around which was better. Can you imagine the call to arms for blood on both sides?
Here is a blog I thought said it so well.....
Can we please declare a moratorium on the mommy war? The one where the mommies are fighting about whether to stay at home or work? The war that's almost halfway to the Hundred Year's War? Can someone please muzzle Dr. Phil and all the people who fan the flames?
Enough already.Most mommies don’t have a choice about fighting this war---they’re drafted.Even for those who have choices, it surprises me that today's mommies are so sure about where they stand.Because I could never choose a side. In fact that’s my point: that the most intense mommy war takes place not BETWEEN mommies but INSIDE mommies. I had never yearned to be a mommy; had not a single domestic bone in my body; no stirrings when I saw a baby.In fact, what stirred in me was doubt. In my thirties the body clock ticked loudly enough to wake me up and the alarm went off and suddenly I was pregnant.
At the same time, I knew, deep in my soul, I was not meant to stay home. So I hired a nanny before giving birth.
I fired her before she ever got started.
Because I was in love.
So began the mommy war within myself. Maybe it was due to my age---growing up with one foot in the fifties and one foot in feminism. Or maybe just because I’m basically an indecisive person.
Fortunately (or unfortunately), thanks to other choices in husbands and career, I had options, making me luckier than most women.
When my first baby was 3 months old, I took a writing job. Only I wasn’t as ready as I thought I was. After days of agonizing and soul searching, I backed out of the job and stayed home for months that turned into years.
By the time my second child was born 4 years later, I had switched sides. I took business calls in my hospital room; and took my two-week old son to a business meeting, even nursing him there (hey, it’s Hollywood.)
Back and forth. For years, the conflict continued on the battlefield of my brain.
Would it matter to them if I brought team snacks made at Costco rather than in our kitchen? Would they be traumatized by the succession of babysitters who came through one year like a revolving door? Would they feel cheated that someone else fed them milk and cookies after school or supervised homework?
Would I feel cheated being out of town when the first chicken pox appeared or a tooth fell out? Was I wasting my time, my brain power and my education? And then the standard question-- what would I say when someone asked what I did at a cocktail party?
The easiest times---in terms of angst ---were when the choices were made for me.
During the time I was a single working mom, I was so stressed and guilty, I forgot (more than once) to pick up the carpool. At least I wasn’t as frazzled as another single mom who was so distracted in the carpool line, she drove her car into the wall of the school.
The internal mommy war grew particularly bitter when I was diagnosed with cancer. I looked back--- and agonized over past choices. Looking forward was no better---I didn’t think I would be around long enough to rebuild all the bridges I had broken.
To my readers: I made
The war ends when the kids leave home---leaving, like in any war, the survivors--me and my two fully- functional adult children. Also leaving me convinced that internal conflict is reflected in the conversation between mommies.
The truth is there is no right answer---for mommies as a group or even for an individual. There is only the best answer for any person at any time. Most mommies---whether they work or not---try their best and want the best on behalf of their kids---all the time.
Looking back, I wish I could have avoided the emotional whiplash that tormented me ---because when you consider the costs of fighting, it's just like a real war---nobody wins.
Although maybe we deserve a Nobel peace prize for trying.
Darrlye Pollack
3 comments:
What is it with expectations that we forget to listen to our innerselves? It seems we only understand ourselves better with increasing age and with challenges imposed on us.
Is supreme learning that state when we are confident in ourselves and our beliefs that we can evaluate other influences in a more balanced way?
I think you got to the core. The reason there is so much passion and anger around the subject is mothers are afraid to look inside at their angst. A stay-at-home mother feels guilty about her sense of isolation and lack of challenge, while the working mom feels guilty about not being the June Cleaver image of motherhood. It has broken my heart that the women of my generation tore down barriers so there were choices and now the choices are the source conflict between mothers. So sad.
I watch this tug-of-war go on in my own wife, who is a very dedicated and hard-working stay-at-home mom. She also happens to be very creative and smart, and she has a university degree. Like all of us, she struggles to find that inner peace that comes with realizing that our personhood is not identical to our various roles, many of which are simply circumstantial. It doesn't help to get two completely conflicting and equally strident cultural messages, most often from women themselves!
Why do people listen to Dr. Phil? Much of what he does is very irresponsible because he's giving major life advice to people whom he hasn't seen or listened to for more than five minutes. That's not therapy, that's snap-judgment.
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