Made the supreme mistake of watching a episode of Dr. Phil on the topic of working moms versus stay-at-home moms. The debate centered around which was better. Can you imagine the call to arms for blood on both sides?
Here is a blog I thought said it so well.....
Can we please declare a moratorium on the mommy war? The one where the mommies are fighting about whether to stay at home or work? The war that's almost halfway to the Hundred Year's War? Can someone please muzzle Dr. Phil and all the people who fan the flames?
Enough already.Most mommies don’t have a choice about fighting this war---they’re drafted.Even for those who have choices, it surprises me that today's mommies are so sure about where they stand.Because I could never choose a side. In fact that’s my point: that the most intense mommy war takes place not BETWEEN mommies but INSIDE mommies. I had never yearned to be a mommy; had not a single domestic bone in my body; no stirrings when I saw a baby.In fact, what stirred in me was doubt. In my thirties the body clock ticked loudly enough to wake me up and the alarm went off and suddenly I was pregnant.
At the same time, I knew, deep in my soul, I was not meant to stay home. So I hired a nanny before giving birth.
I fired her before she ever got started.
Because I was in love.
So began the mommy war within myself. Maybe it was due to my age---growing up with one foot in the fifties and one foot in feminism. Or maybe just because I’m basically an indecisive person.
Fortunately (or unfortunately), thanks to other choices in husbands and career, I had options, making me luckier than most women.
When my first baby was 3 months old, I took a writing job. Only I wasn’t as ready as I thought I was. After days of agonizing and soul searching, I backed out of the job and stayed home for months that turned into years.
By the time my second child was born 4 years later, I had switched sides. I took business calls in my hospital room; and took my two-week old son to a business meeting, even nursing him there (hey, it’s Hollywood.)
Back and forth. For years, the conflict continued on the battlefield of my brain.
Would it matter to them if I brought team snacks made at Costco rather than in our kitchen? Would they be traumatized by the succession of babysitters who came through one year like a revolving door? Would they feel cheated that someone else fed them milk and cookies after school or supervised homework?
Would I feel cheated being out of town when the first chicken pox appeared or a tooth fell out? Was I wasting my time, my brain power and my education? And then the standard question-- what would I say when someone asked what I did at a cocktail party?
The easiest times---in terms of angst ---were when the choices were made for me.
During the time I was a single working mom, I was so stressed and guilty, I forgot (more than once) to pick up the carpool. At least I wasn’t as frazzled as another single mom who was so distracted in the carpool line, she drove her car into the wall of the school.
The internal mommy war grew particularly bitter when I was diagnosed with cancer. I looked back--- and agonized over past choices. Looking forward was no better---I didn’t think I would be around long enough to rebuild all the bridges I had broken.
To my readers: I made
The war ends when the kids leave home---leaving, like in any war, the survivors--me and my two fully- functional adult children. Also leaving me convinced that internal conflict is reflected in the conversation between mommies.
The truth is there is no right answer---for mommies as a group or even for an individual. There is only the best answer for any person at any time. Most mommies---whether they work or not---try their best and want the best on behalf of their kids---all the time.
Looking back, I wish I could have avoided the emotional whiplash that tormented me ---because when you consider the costs of fighting, it's just like a real war---nobody wins.
Although maybe we deserve a Nobel peace prize for trying.
Darrlye Pollack
